It is 12 noon of December 22. The sky is overcast and in fact, I can hear raindrops overhead and feel a cool breeze. That’s comforting, but I cannot recall a rainy Christmas. Oh well, this is one Yuletide season where I totally feel out of sorts.
There is no urge to really shop. I’ve been content coming across some tiangge (flea market or bazaar) or store wherever I may be and if I see anything that catches my fancy for someone else, then I get it. Otherwise, there is absolutely no plan in my head what I’m supposed to get as gifts for people. And the really weird thing is I am not panicking or frantic.
If there is anything I truly want for Christmas it is PEACE and QUIET. Since the middle of November my world has been turned upside down, inside out and even as I try to snap out of it, there are too many reminders of what I went through that has seemingly drained me of the Christmas spirit.
I pretty much came to a lot of realizations in the last several weeks, the most important being: money may be the means to an end, but its possession can never truly make you happy.
I’ve been a witness to so many changes around me and what I saw either disappointed, frustrated or appalled me. Not a good feeling with Christmas just around the corner.
Yet at the same time, my experiences in the last several weeks also made me realize that for as long as I am able, and when I know it will make a difference in another person’s life, I can give and give until it hurts. And at the end of it all, I will feel a fullness of heart even when it came as a test of my spirit.
And the tests have been many. But for as long as I surrender it all to the Lord, then I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. There may have been instances when I was impatient — largely because the emotional and mental burdens were taking its toll on me — but I simply had to turn to Him and affirm that my trust was in HIM.
Sometimes, I still get the feeling that everyone wants a piece of me. I’ve been running a thousand and one errands for other people, and I felt I was losing myself in the process. So last Saturday, I made it a point to go out (my decision) and do whatever it is I wanted, and just be ALONE. I relished eating by myself and not having to watch the time because I was expected to do something or be somewhere else. I wish I could sleep the day away but even when I want to do just that, there are too many things happening that make it impossible.
Still, I am grateful. I cannot NOT be. Because I wake each morning, and am able to face the challenges of a new day. I have people who matter to me and my needs are provided for.
I am trying to learn the art of tuning out things in a big way. To just think of happy thoughts, of thoughts that will keep me calm. It is a difficult exercise but I do give myself a pat in the back each time I am successful.
God is with me. That much I know, so all will be right. I simply have to kick myself often to remind myself that.
Suman Latik 