Fading away

Nothing is more painful than watching someone dear to you fade away. The mind holds secrets that even the most brilliant have yet to discover. People use just a fraction of their brain in the course of their lifetime. Yet we cannot fathom that fact because we burden ourselves with more thoughts that do little to reinforce positive energies and feel like our head will explode.

My eldest cousin has been suffering from diabetes for more than a decade. While the disease is manageable, this depends on the effort and commitment of the person diagnosed with it. Unfortunately, she shunned a lot of advice about how to deal with her illness early on.

As a result, her condition eventually worsened. Four years ago, her kidneys gave up on her and she has had to undergo dialysis regularly. It is a costly treatment for someone with little means and who has to rely on others for assistance.

Separation from her husband further compounded her condition. And taking care of a daughter, now 13 years old, can take a toll even on people with no health problems.

This is what has been weighing her down for the past several years. It has become more burdensome when my cousin’s eyesight was affected and she is no longer able to work.

For someone as brilliant as she is (she is a chemical engineer by profession), who has enjoyed teaching, it was a big blow to find herself unable to be productive because of her constantly debilitating condition.

It is one thing to feel her pain and empathize with her situation, and another to say I truly understand how she is feeling and what is going on in her mind.

I believe it is this sense of isolation, the thought that she has become useless, and the inability to control her situation, that led to the worsening of her condition.

She would often be irritated, when in fact it was merely expressing her frustration. It was difficult to enjoy the company of other people because of the belief she can no longer contribute anything positive.

And most of all, it was a fear that her daughter will not be cared for in the way she would have wanted that drove her to despair.

Lately, she would miss her medications insisting she had already taken them when in fact, she had not. In the last 10 months, her blood sugar levels would drop to alarming levels, leaving her comatose. She has been in and out of the hospital, even when she insists on not being confined because of the expense it entails.

Yet, God has been kind because He has seen to it there will be means for her medical needs. But it is no longer her body that is giving up on her. It seems to me that it has almost become impossible for my cousin to rise above her situation and see the light, or fight to survive.

It is a complicated life she has had to deal with. Being very headstrong has only made matters worse. When there was the opportunity to set things right, she steadfastly refused. Now, the lucid moments are few and far between.

This last confinement has by far been the worst. Her attending nephrologist says the problem is no longer physiological. She is slowly drifting to a world of her own creation. Perhaps, one which is her idea of perfection.

Her days of depression and dark thoughts are slowly claiming her. And it crushes our hearts to see her this way.

We can only pray that her burdens will be lifted and her heart can find peace. That, I know, is what is holding her back. I know she is tired. But it is great love that she clings to. And until she is assured that her concerns are understood and addressed to her satisfaction, she will not let go.

Is it less painful to have a loved one taken away abruptly or to stand and watch them fade away?

Lord, grant us all the strength to accept your will… and to rely on your love, and ours, to give one another strength during this very trying time.