Fading away

Nothing is more painful than watching someone dear to you fade away. The mind holds secrets that even the most brilliant have yet to discover. People use just a fraction of their brain in the course of their lifetime. Yet we cannot fathom that fact because we burden ourselves with more thoughts that do little to reinforce positive energies and feel like our head will explode.

My eldest cousin has been suffering from diabetes for more than a decade. While the disease is manageable, this depends on the effort and commitment of the person diagnosed with it. Unfortunately, she shunned a lot of advice about how to deal with her illness early on.

As a result, her condition eventually worsened. Four years ago, her kidneys gave up on her and she has had to undergo dialysis regularly. It is a costly treatment for someone with little means and who has to rely on others for assistance.

Separation from her husband further compounded her condition. And taking care of a daughter, now 13 years old, can take a toll even on people with no health problems.

This is what has been weighing her down for the past several years. It has become more burdensome when my cousin’s eyesight was affected and she is no longer able to work.

For someone as brilliant as she is (she is a chemical engineer by profession), who has enjoyed teaching, it was a big blow to find herself unable to be productive because of her constantly debilitating condition.

It is one thing to feel her pain and empathize with her situation, and another to say I truly understand how she is feeling and what is going on in her mind.

I believe it is this sense of isolation, the thought that she has become useless, and the inability to control her situation, that led to the worsening of her condition.

She would often be irritated, when in fact it was merely expressing her frustration. It was difficult to enjoy the company of other people because of the belief she can no longer contribute anything positive.

And most of all, it was a fear that her daughter will not be cared for in the way she would have wanted that drove her to despair.

Lately, she would miss her medications insisting she had already taken them when in fact, she had not. In the last 10 months, her blood sugar levels would drop to alarming levels, leaving her comatose. She has been in and out of the hospital, even when she insists on not being confined because of the expense it entails.

Yet, God has been kind because He has seen to it there will be means for her medical needs. But it is no longer her body that is giving up on her. It seems to me that it has almost become impossible for my cousin to rise above her situation and see the light, or fight to survive.

It is a complicated life she has had to deal with. Being very headstrong has only made matters worse. When there was the opportunity to set things right, she steadfastly refused. Now, the lucid moments are few and far between.

This last confinement has by far been the worst. Her attending nephrologist says the problem is no longer physiological. She is slowly drifting to a world of her own creation. Perhaps, one which is her idea of perfection.

Her days of depression and dark thoughts are slowly claiming her. And it crushes our hearts to see her this way.

We can only pray that her burdens will be lifted and her heart can find peace. That, I know, is what is holding her back. I know she is tired. But it is great love that she clings to. And until she is assured that her concerns are understood and addressed to her satisfaction, she will not let go.

Is it less painful to have a loved one taken away abruptly or to stand and watch them fade away?

Lord, grant us all the strength to accept your will… and to rely on your love, and ours, to give one another strength during this very trying time.

 

Mushroom talk

I just got in after spending perhaps an hour-and-a-half talking about mushrooms. Well, it started with mushrooms, then we were talking about life, and we ended up back to mushrooms.

His name is Freddie. From his stories, it seems he’s been all over. He would drop America, Germany, Africa, South America and Singapore every so often during the conversation. It’s not so hard to believe since he’s been traipsing the world since he was 19 years old.

He’s maybe in his 50’s now, a very well-travelled and wise man. And once he realized that working overseas still won’t give him the ultimate satisfaction and joy as when he’s home with his family, he decided to come home and stay put.

I remember him saying working on the Queen Elizabeth, the cruise liner I surmise. He worked in the kitchen thus his vast knowledge about food and cooking. I get the sense he also got sick so now he’s an advocate for clean living, which means everything natural.

Freddie used to run three bakeries after he got back. He tells me his staff didn’t know squat about baking bread but he got them to work for him anyway. His reason is simple: he thought them valuable skills in baking, and lessons in life.

Then he discovered mushrooms. And that’s been his bread and butter for quite some time now. Had he been someone so eager to make tons of money, I imagine he would have accomplished that easily. But he has certain principles he is not willing to break. And that’s one of the things I admire about him.

He raises mushrooms, organically. Then he put his knowledge about food together and turned them into all natural burgers. I’ve been a patron for quite some time now. I appreciate his product because it only contains vegetables, just the way I like it. And it is DELICIOUS! No kidding… Even the kids love it and leave them with two or three patties, it’ll been gone in a snap.

I’ve tried making my own mushroom burger but it doesn’t come out quite like Nicole’s — that’s Freddie’s brand. Believe it or not, he makes a perfect patty that when cooked does not disintegrate.

Many have been trying to imitate him, but have so far been unsuccessful. Others have turned wiser — they start their own mushroom burger business and get their supply from Freddie. Very, very smart move. And he will back you 100% percent.

During the lazy afternoon conversation, that cost me 100 pesos or so (because I had nephew with me who gobbled up a hotdog sandwich, then without doing anything yet decided he was again hungry and ordered a mushroom burger), I learned about mushroom farming, about entrepreneurship, about dreams, about life.

I think it was an afternoon well spent. Now, I’m going to give serious thought to going into the mushroom business. It’s healthy, it’s wise. And I believe God just introduced me to a mentor.

Nice meeting you, Freddie. Thank you, Lord for my gift of abundance today.

P.S. In case you may be curious about Nicole’s Mushroom Burgers, the outlet I visit is nothing fancy, really. They’re at the Quezon Memorial Circle, right in front of the park’s playground. Although Freddie did say he had two other outlets in Market, Market, Taguig City and along Visayas Avenue in Quezon City. You can bet your bottom dollar it’s top quality (he grows them himself, remember?) and made with loving care. Or you can drop by at the park and buy patties for P180 per pack (that’s about 15 pcs I think). If you’ve got a craving for burgers, try Nicole’s. You will not regret it.

 

And when October goes

It’s the last day of October. And I can’t help but think of the Barry Manilow song, “When October Goes…” after a very busy month. It started out well enough, but on hindsight, even little niece’s birthday party had some hitches. Must have been a sign that bigger challenges were coming.

Right this very minute, I am simply grateful. Grateful to be able to write this post. Because it means there is relative normalcy in my life. We checked dad out of the hospital on Friday, but I still had to accompany sister to her rehabilitation and doctor’s evaluation.

Next week, it’s still doctors and tests for the two of them. I just pray they are better… or getting there in spite their being stubborn about medications and taking care of themselves in general. They really have to get their acts together because it is possible to become well, they just have to want to do it bad enough.

I know there will be more meds so that means more expenses but then again for your loved ones, money can be earned and I always believe God will provide and never forsake us.

The medical crises really threw us off. Me, especially because when I looked around, there really wasn’t anybody else to handle things except moi! Still, I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to take care of my family and to be there for them when they needed me most.

It hasn’t been easy. I had yet to recover from the first run with my sister and here I was again doing the same things for my dad. But these were also occasions when the family rallied around each other and we bonded together more and I appreciated it very much.

Now, it is quite late and I should be getting sleep but had some things to take care of at this late hour. It must have been the nap this afternoon that gave me an added boost to last this long.

I pray tomorrow will be quiet and everyone will be in good spirits and good health. It’s really what we aspire for so we can live a more full life. Money? Yes, I pray for resources, too and I am confident our needs will be provided for.

But it’s nice that when October goes, it signals a fresh start. It may be leaving behind the burdens that came with the beginning of fall in western countries, but they were challenges that brought me a step further towards the journey of knowing who I really am.

Unlike Manilow’s song, I am glad, for now, to see October go… But I certainly don’t regret all it brought for me.

 

A step for love

I’ve been running ragged in the last three weeks. Many a time I will myself to stay alert and focus on the myriad tasks at hand. I guess I should be grateful the work I do does not require me to report to an office on a regular basis. Otherwise, I would be out of leaves already, if not out of work. Thank you God and I know this is all part of Your grand plan for me. Despite the weariness, the fatigue I feel blessed to have the opportunities to serve and to love.

Today I particularly felt out of sync. Must be my system telling me to slow down, take it easy. Making the rounds of hospitals can take its toll on you. I pray that we’ll be well enough to come home. I really need to get back some semblance of normalcy in my life.

I needed to pick up medication from the drugstore. It was quite hot, but there was no one else to do it and I didn’t want our patient in pain. Thank God for the near empty drugstore that allowed me to walk out in less than five minutes.

Getting a ride back to the hospital was another matter. There usually are jeeps plying the route and silly me for going out without my trusty umbrella. Just goes to show how tired I am… I had to find a post that would offer a bit of a shade while waiting but several minutes had gone by and nada. I decided to walk about 150 meters to the next corner where there were other rides.

As I willed my legs to move, I kept thinking to myself why I was doing all this. And how I managed to do all that was expected of me, and do it wholeheartedly. Then the thought struck me: each step I took, one foot in front of the other, was a step for love.

Lately, it’s become a heavy step after running around here and there. And while I try to keep healthy to keep doing it, it does take its toll. Like today. But there was that clear thought inside my head and heart. I kept doing it because each was a step for love.

When I took one step, it was to serve those I love and in so doing, it was serving God. And giving Him back the love He is so generous to bless us all with everyday.

Yes, I still need my rest. And I pray for my strength to hold up until things get back to normal. And Lord, I want to keep doing it no matter how tiring it can be, because it is my way of showing you my love and gratitude.

Thank you for the challenges that help make me who I am — hopefully an individual deserving of your love and generosity.

 

Doctors and nurses: They don’t make them like they used to

In about 15 minutes, I have to be heading back to the hospital. Am on night duty to watch over sister. This is the fourth night. And I am so grateful to God for sustaining me. Sleeping in the hospital does not make for a restful night. Add to that the workout at daytime that I get heaving and hoeing sister to help her move about, and I am peaked by the end of the day.

But that’s just a little of the problem. The one that really bugs me big time are the doctors and nurses of today.

I respect the nursing profession and know it is a tough job. And often a thankless one, with cranky patients and all. But — and this ain’t probably a news flash — the young Pinoy nurses now suck!

You can feel that half, if not 80 percent of them, aren’t there because they really want to be a health care provider. It’s really just for the money, and the opportunity to hie off to some foreign shore that’s lured them to the profession.

Well I have news for them: it is no wonder a lot of them don’t get accepted and we’ve got jobless nurses. Believe me, they do not take the job seriously. And because it is part of the Filipino culture to care for the sick, when you land in the hospital, you can be sure the nurses will leave it all up to the “bantay” (relatives watching over patients) to do EVERYTHING. They don’t even talk to patients anymore!!!!

And they really have high hopes of getting a job abroad? Where they will be doing all the dirty work? And they can’t even handle a bedpan with contents here? Seriously…

Filipinos are in big trouble. Nursing schools are churning out graduates who don’t have the heart for the job. They don’t deliver patient care in hospitals. At most, they take your blood pressure, check your pulse, maybe listen to your heart a bit, and change your IV (because only they can do that). But otherwise… Interns look so scared to touch patients. You ask for help to change beddings, and they give you beddings.. change them yourselves.

So… will I endorse young nurses seeking nursing positions abroad? In truth, I’ve been around a lot of nurses in the last couple of days. And I have not seen ONE that is worthy of the title. No one has the sincerity to really take care of sick people and you wonder, do I want to put myself in those (in)competent hands?

While we’re at it… docs too aren’t the same anymore. I’ve been racking my brain why I feel this way, especially about young doctors. Then it hit me: they have this attitude that medicine is a science and patients are close to experiments.

What they really lack now, I am referring to young doctors, is good bedside manners. I don’t feel them at all. Yes, they’ll explain all the medical terms and procedures… but no, I don’t get that feeling that they really care about the patient’s welfare. You’re just one among many they treat.

So, they’re all out busy working so many hospitals, and getting so many patients… never mind if they keep you waiting till you’re blue in the face. Or your eyes have turned white from hunger. They do not care…

I’m still on the lookout for young, genuine doctors who take their Hippocratic oath to heart and will show patients they sincerely care what happens to them.  The most basic is a show of respect for other people’s time. Everyone’s time is gold… and not just theirs.

A few more days and I am going to have another litany… or perhaps a love letter to some hospital administrator. Hmmmm… looking forward to it.